What started out as a simple undertaking (creating my own work, post it here) became a massive adventure this year. Meeting new people, ideas and so on was awesome. And that is and will always be the case.
The other side of the new mountain however was painful, frightening and downright daunting, most of all because it involves how I look at myself.
One of the things I’ve noticed with myself is my mental health. I am a competitive person by nature and it has pushed me too great moments that I will hopefully carry with me for many years to come.
Certain moments we’re even so important that I tried to achieve them twice in a lifetime.
However. Every ambition was overshadowed by my mental health. And the slowing and confirming realisation that I have something that impedes my personal progress affects me a lot. I want to grow. I want to achieve. I want to focus. I want to hang-out. I want to fight. But I have blockades and limitations in that. Whether I like it or not. (I don’t)
It’s been THE struggle of this year for me and somewhat overwhelming. I don’t deal with inner demons. Like most people I run from them, I hide it from people. Or even worse I try to prove myself and others wrong by pushing it. It influences your life a lot more then I want it to. that’s been the reason for the reclusiveness the last few months.
People that know me, also know the other side of my coin. I plan, adjust and fight. Inner demons just need a different approach. That of kindness, warmth and consideration towards myself. Its a tough one as I normally punch my problems away. But the way to slay a demon is funny enough a simple one: give it a hug..take a day off, meditate, write, walk through the park alone aimlessly, call close ones, talk with someone professionally, just you know.. be nice towards the person I most of the time simply forget in certain aspects. Myself.
Pictures are from a student presentation at the dutch filmacademy. I give filmworkshops at meervaart studio. New posts (with actual kickass and hugging work) coming very soon!!!
Photos by: Erwin van Amstel (Instagram)